This morning I awoke in stress. Totally not a surprise. I went to bed feeling anxious, and felt anxious all day.
My stress is stress of a third kind … Stress over stresses I’m causing for loved ones…
A bit of background:
For the last couple months I’ve been living with the most wonderful family. Massively switched on people thru and thru. A married couple with 3 boys, ages 16, 14, and 12.
Their home lies half way up the Sacred Mountain of the valley. The same Sacred Mountain I’ve been taking seekers from around the world to summit over the last year.
Many times when I felt no reason to be in Vilcabamba, Mandango worked on my spirit. “The Sleeping God” as it translates is the never ending spirit of this valley and has been home, refuge and a place of massive healing and growth for me.
In return I have worked hard on the land, offered vegetarian love cuisine and done my best to fulfill the most enlightened ‘Charles in Charge’ embodiment for these young men as possible.
I absolutely have loved it and continue to love sharing space with this family.
Oh yea…. STRESS… I forgot….!!!!!!
The stress is via the tug of war I’ve created by not being clear with these loved ones around what is going on with me. For some reason I was embodying a fear over sharing me.
Additionally a certain expectation has been co-created. Typically I’ve been around working or helping out everyday. Lately I’ve been pulled to be out and about a bit more.
At the same time, personal life desires of my own weren’t necessarily being fully acknowledged by me or explored by me. Mostly because it simply wasn’t in the space and other things were developing for me in the separation from my long term partner.
I would like to have a life, family, home and gardens of my own. Even though this space is offered as a home for me, I think most would understand.
I’ve put off these desires for purposes of what I can only explain as a calling to expand and liberate thy soul coupled with a belief that the World is waking up.
That’s why reuniting with my life partner of the last 5 years is exciting for me and it’s a shame that the old story of the bad and icky expressed some time back is echoing its haunt into the present as well.
To elaborate, certain things have unfolded that put my love relationship of the past 5 years at odds with my “family” relationship. It’s really trivial on many levels, but having discernment about experiences and interactions with the people in your life is an asset for everyone.
There are reasons for the tension and don’t blame anyone but myself for their presence. Still that conflict isn’t mine to resolve.
I feel that my belief that these two important loved aspects of my life are at odds is the culprit in my stress story. My own perspective on the situation is what created the narrowed spectrum of allowable expression, denser vibrations and the manifestation of Shambles … now in rambles.
I created stress for me and I was struggling to communicate well with the other interested parties of the created triangle.
Because I was nervous and trying so hard to make both sides happy without bringing the “commune” to the ication, a disharmony developed. My stress or resisting of myself turned it all a shambles.
Well not that bad, but my mind will tell you it is just awful and painfully sad.
If I we’re simply being authentic and expressing freely without imagining stress over it, then there would have been no stress or edges leading into the narrowed spectrum of potential manifestations. In fact it pinched so hared that all 3 parties came into disharmony with their experiences.
This is an over simplification of what this learning is for me, but it comes down to simply taking more responsibility to bring presence to the table and express authentically what is going on from the heart.
I’m not sure if it was Law School or other brain washing techniques of the Henry Ford Model of Education, but for some reason it takes a tremendous amount of courage and energy for me to simply cut through all the propaganda of my own mind and ego and get down to the simple true natures of my experiences as a sentient being.
So much hiding from myself…
On top of the complexities of social dynamics, I seem to have blind spots galore in matters of partnership and love. These have often been the most clumsy and confusing expressions of my life.
Mostly I wonder why so much pain embodies between me and those I love over such trivial matters. Is it because I find the matters trivial that enrages so much?
I don’t have a confusion over trivial matters as far as having compassion for pains experienced. Emotionally they are ripe to the core.
I just don’t understand why the preference we have in our relationships is to express strong emotional vibrations minus the same strong vibrations in our spiritual and mental bodies.
We create vast expression of pain… war, murder, corruption, … just see the Illuminati train roll, but at the same time we have yet to seek the same depths of expression in our wisdom both of intellect and spirit.
The levels of intimacy attained thru tantric love making and authentic expression certainly leads to activation of the emotional body. But, I believe that the activation of this into pain addiction is not normal and is symptomatic to the profoundly sick nature of the societies we live in.
I’m not sure I’m ready to do details on a blog, but another woman taught me a thing or two about right behavior, respect and love. If I wasn’t in love she is the other one.
Anyway, for short cut sakes, I’m still in love with the same woman and she loves me, and maybe it begs the question, what is at odds? Well we haven’t had the most peaceful history either and some wounds heal ssslllloooooooowwwww…
Things are always a bit more complicated than they seem as well when minds are involved, but when I took some deep breaths into myself, the little “i” called Scott was reminded to be free and authentic.
I breathe in ideas of unwavering balance into the field.
I love my family, … via blood and beyond. I love the woman who has been the partner in my life and the one whose knee hurts.
I love you all.
Love is not a mutually exclusive endeavor of being in truth with yourself. It is the only way to have true integrity.
In a state of non-resistance, I know good advice for me is , “don’t sweat the small stuff'”. Life is short, yet has infinite opportunities for each of us to realize and become the destiny that is our truest nature.
“Interactions with All things are interactions with Self.” – Seth
http://www.sethlearningcenter.org/ — if you’re interested in this channel
This simple knowing about the nature of reality has allowed me to see the victim stories I run in the world as well as the games being run by my mirrors.
I have played victim, then perpetrator, then back to victim and back to perp many times before as if it’s some twisted co-dependent pain addiction fantasy. I’ve watched it unfold many times more as well.
However, as we awaken to our Unity we are better able to cycle through these patterns we have been on the marry go round with. Intention to see and learn how to unhook ourselves from these stories provides keys to liberate us from them.
I believe by doing the best we can to express ourselves with gentle compassion allows opportune for commune. The place of true communication of seeking both to be understood but more so to understand. A Unity of thought.
I’m so thankful for these interactions that are unveiling so many layers for me to integrate as I settle the accounting of my personal story.
I’m not sure if my perspective on such things unveils anything for anyone else but for me verbalizing these matters as mundane as they might be is really helping me release them as attachments.
A sort of healing of old, older, and oldest patterns. This mirror to look at myself allows a place for me to understand myself as a puzzle piece fitting into the grand fabric.
Much love to everyone…
These make me smile. Nice switchero as well…